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<title>nothin' lasts forever (we both know hearts can change) by maybankiara (juggyjones)</title>
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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25526890">nothin' lasts forever (we both know hearts can change)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/juggyjones/pseuds/maybankiara'>maybankiara (juggyjones)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>jiara july 2020 [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Outer Banks (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst and Feels, Canon Compliant, F/M, JJ Maybank-centric, Jiara July, Kiara's Kook Year, Pre-Canon</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 08:35:10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>5,303</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25526890</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/juggyjones/pseuds/maybankiara</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>  Her fingers are on the fries, but she isn’t throwing them at JJ anymore. </p>
<p>  He lightly kicks her leg underneath the table. ‘You can talk to me.’</p>
<p>  What he means is <i>i understand you better than pope or john b ever could</i>, but he doesn’t want to say it out loud. He doesn’t want to admit it. He doesn’t want her to know how he feels. </p>
<p>— in which jj decides to take his chances with kiara the summer before they go to different high schools, which possibly ruins their friendship (and by an extension, the pogues’).</p>
<p>[jiara week 2020: day 1, precanon]</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>JJ Maybank/Kiara Carrera</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>jiara july 2020 [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1849519</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>62</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Jiara July Jubilee</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>nothin' lasts forever (we both know hearts can change)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>hello! this was written for the first prompt of jiara week 2020, <i>precanon<i>, inspired solely by jj telling john b that <i>he knows that door's locked because he tried it</i>, and a rough idea on how it might tie into kiara's kook year, and her eventual return. i want to give a shoutout to everyone in the jiara groupchat on tumblr for being so supportive and just overall incredibly nice human beings. you can check out their fics in the event's collection, and i highly recommend you do so!</i></i></p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>i'm not sure if i got the timelines right, but i don't think it matters that much. also, my headcanon is that the kooks got their "nickname" from the kook academy, which is actually called the robert cooke academy.</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>title is adapted from <i>november rain</i> by guns n' roses, which is probably one of the most jiara songs to ever exist, actually.</i>
  </i>
</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>They talked about everything, but high school was the one thing none of them wanted to mention.</p>
<p>  The Pogues grew up together. Some more so than others, but at the age of when things are starting to get real, they were as much a family as they could be. Pope brought the sense of reason, John B brought the sense of home, Kiara brought common sense, and JJ brought nonsense. </p>
<p>  It shouldn’t have worked, because all of them were people who shouldn’t have found friends in one other, but they did. </p>
<p>  JJ can’t imagine a life without the three teens in it. </p>
<p>  It’s a sunny afternoon, like most late august afternoons on the island, and John B’s dad takes them to the Chateau’s backyard, out to the marsh. Big John is a man JJ has come to think of as more of a dad than his own father, but he’d never say it – so when he tells the kids he’s got something for them to see, JJ doesn’t think twice. He follows the man to the back of his plot, excitement filling his veins. </p>
<p>  He leans over to John B, who’s walking right next to him. ‘You got any clue what this is about?’</p>
<p>  ‘He didn’t tell me anything.’ The brunet glances at his father, making sure he’s out earshot, and then says for only his friends to hear: ‘I think it’s whatever he’s been hiding for the past week.’</p>
<p>  ‘The thing in the garage?’ Pope pipes in. He walks over until he’s right behind the two boys, Kiara at his side. ‘It has to be the thing in the garage.’</p>
<p>  ‘It’s a boat,’ states Kiara. She sounds confident to the point that all of the boys turn to her, the same question evident on their faces. ‘Y’all are blind.’</p>
<p>  And sure enough, when JJ looks at where Kiara is pointing, there’s a boat there. It’s an old thing, flat bottom Carolina Skiff, 19-footer, JJ reckons. It’s a little beat up but looks decent enough, and if JJ’s right, then Big John must’ve spent the whole of last week fixing it up. </p>
<p>  ‘A boat?’ asks John B.</p>
<p>  It seems like a dumb question ( <em>it is </em>, thinks JJ) but it feels like someone <em>has </em>to say those words to clarify they’re all seeing the same thing.  </p>
<p>  Big John beams at his son’s words, hands moving from his knees as he crouches, patting the wooden front. ‘A boat. Actually, <em>your </em>boat.’ </p>
<p>  The words sound as if <em>you </em>means less <em>John B </em>and more <em>all of you </em>, so his son exchanges glances with all of his friends, licks his lips with a soft tilt of his brows. ‘Ours?’</p>
<p>  ‘If you want it to be.’</p>
<p>  JJ steps forward and touches the wood. He’s always wanted to have a boat – his dad’s <em>Phantom </em>is a treasure he’s not allowed within ten foot of, and being able to just set out into the ocean, or even the marsh without anyone bothering him...</p>
<p>  He looks at Big John with a wary grin starting to take over. ‘You’re saying that you’re giving this boat to us?’</p>
<p>  ‘You kids are getting older,’ explains Big John, talking to all of them. ‘I don’t want you hanging around my backyard all the time.’</p>
<p>  ‘So you gave us a boat,’ Pope notes.</p>
<p>  ‘Damn right, son.’</p>
<p>  He takes them out of a spin, teaching them how to man it. JJ gets it the quickest because boats are in his blood, and John B and Pope each need a couple of repeats to get the hang of it. Kiara sticks to the side, saying hardly anything. between themselves, the boys figure she’s just not a boat person. JJ thinks there’s more to it, but doesn’t say anything. </p>
<p>  They celebrate at the Wreck. Big John drops them off before work, promising them they’d get to take the boat to themselves tomorrow. It’s hard to say who’s most excited, but it’s easy to say who isn’t.</p>
<p>  Kiara doesn’t sulk, but she’s quiet, and they’re not used to that. Her dad gives them something to snack on (Big John pays for it, because the kids aren’t Mike Carrera’s favourite people). </p>
<p>  John B and Pope are the first to go, leaving with the latter’s parents. It’s getting quite late already and Kiara’s dad is still working the shift, so JJ decides to stick around. (He’s always thought Mike dislikes him the least.)</p>
<p>  They munch on fries. </p>
<p>  ‘Why are you quiet?’ he asks. a fry lands in her mouth and they’d high five at their coordination, usually, and the lack of a high five is what bothers him the most. </p>
<p>  She leans back in her chair, glancing at her dad, before averting her eyes. </p>
<p>  ‘Kie.’</p>
<p>  Her fingers are on the fries, but she isn’t throwing them at JJ anymore. </p>
<p>  He lightly kicks her leg underneath the table. ‘You can talk to me.’</p>
<p>  What he means is <em>i understand you better than pope or john b ever could </em>, but he doesn’t want to say it out loud. He doesn’t want to admit it. He doesn’t want her to know how he feels. </p>
<p>  ‘I already <em>have </em>a boat, JJ.’</p>
<p>  ‘So?’ JJ frowns. ‘You’re pissed because you’ve already got a boat?’</p>
<p>  ‘ <em>No </em>.’ </p>
<p>  Kiara opens and closes her mouth a handful of time, licking her lips in-between. JJ sees her grow agitated, but he doesn’t know if it’s <em>at </em>him, <em>because </em>of him, or something else altogether. </p>
<p>  She slumps into the back of the chair. ‘You guys seemed so happy to just have a boat. I looked at it and my first thought was <em>i have a bigger one at home </em>. And I couldn’t get as excited.’</p>
<p>  ‘So you’re pissed because you’re rich,’ JJ concludes. </p>
<p>  ‘Don’t say it like that! I didn’t mean it like – JJ, I <em>wanted </em>to be happy because of the boat Big John gave us. And I am, kind of. I’m excited that it’s ours. But I couldn’t stop thinking about my mom’s boat, and how I’ll never see the simple things like that as something <em>great.’</em></p>
<p>  ‘Are you now pissed that we’re poor?’</p>
<p>  ‘JJ,’ Kiara warns. Her eyebrow’s raised and she watches him sigh, resigning his failed attempts at humour. ‘You know why I’m upset.’</p>
<p>   <em>i do </em>, he realises. The atmosphere between them turns sombre, and JJ wishes there were more people in the Wreck. He plays with the fries in front of him, stuffing a few into his mouth. </p>
<p>  Consoling other people has never been JJ’s strong suit – he’s mediocre at best. But it’s <em>Kiara </em>, of all people, so he plays footsies with her leg underneath the table. </p>
<p>  ‘Stop it.’</p>
<p>  He does. ‘Come on, Kie. You’re one of us even if you could buy your own boat and not even notice.’</p>
<p>  Kiara raises her eyebrows. JJ apologises. </p>
<p>  ‘Money or not, you’re a pogue. Things aren’t going to change once you’re attending that stupid kook academy.’</p>
<p>  ‘Cooke,’ she corrects him, quietly. ‘It’s the Robert Cooke Academy.’</p>
<p>  ‘Seriously, if you’re correcting me on <em>kook </em>bullshit, I’ll retract your pogue membership.’</p>
<p>  He watches her face fall as if he didn’t say those words with a mischievous grin on his face, throwing a fry at her. JJ concludes trying to console Kiara is an absolute disaster, and he’d really like to be able to stop, but he doesn’t see anything else that could work. </p>
<p>  Humour certainly doesn’t. </p>
<p>  ‘Look, as long as you’re hanging out with us, you’re one of us. That’s the whole deal. You might have money, but pogues aren’t about money, have it or not. Sure, you might not be able to relate to what it feels like for kids from the Cut to be on our own boat, but we can show you. as long as you want to hang out with us, you’ll always be welcome.’</p>
<p>  At the end of the monologue, JJ takes a deep breath; he’s fairly certain this was the longest thing he’s ever said in one go, so he tells her that. </p>
<p>  She laughs, a little bit. JJ figures it must’ve done <em>some </em>good. </p>
<p>  He throws a fry at her and she catches it with her hand, then puts it in her mouth. She throws another one and she catches it with her mouth this time, and they’re back to playing the game from earlier. Her laughter is a little louder now, a little more cheerful, and he notices her shoulders aren’t as slumped. </p>
<p>  It’s getting even later now, but JJ doesn’t leave. her dad’s still got some work to do, clean up, lock up, all that jazz, so the two teens make their way out of the restaurant. The air is fresh and they’ve both got a brisk walk to their feet, laughing louder than they should. </p>
<p>  JJ likes this. He likes spending time with his friends, and he likes spending time with Kiara alone.  </p>
<p>  There’s a bench a little down the road, in the very middle of the street (and the Cut) and they sit down, side by side. They’re close enough that their thighs are touching, and JJ is acutely aware of the contact of skin on skin that their shorts uncover.</p>
<p>  He glances at her and catches her gazing at the starry sky. </p>
<p>  ‘I can’t imagine a world where you’re not one of us,’ he tells her. ‘That’s why I think things won’t change when school starts.’</p>
<p>  ‘When I become a kook.’</p>
<p>  ‘You won’t, though. you’re a pogue.’ JJ looks at her, face serious, and hopes she can tell he <em>means </em>it. JJ Maybank might be a kid, but he knows loyalty, and he doesn’t give it away easily. ‘We’re friends. Friends stick together.’</p>
<p>  The nod Kiara gives him is soft, reluctant. ‘What if we don’t?’</p>
<p>  ‘What if we don’t <em>what </em>? Kie, there’s no pogues without Kiara Carrera.’</p>
<p>  ‘I’m not from the Cut,’ she says with a smile on her face, but sadness in her voice. ‘I’m not a pogue.’</p>
<p>  ‘You’re a pogue with a capital <em>p </em>,’ JJ says then. He feels the fire in his chest, anger and excitement, and bitterness at the fact that Kiara is the one who keeps worrying she’s not one of them. ‘We’re the Pogues with the capital <em>p </em>. You me, John B, Pope. And – and our boat, the one we got today? That’s <em>the </em>Pogue boat. <em>HMS Pogue </em>. It’s <em>ours </em>.’</p>
<p>  ‘So we’re not pogues, we’re <em>the </em>Pogues?’</p>
<p>  ‘Hell yeah.’</p>
<p>  Kiara’s face changes as she absorbs JJ’s little speech, watching him crouch on the bench instead of sitting on it. There’s confusion between her brows, then a smile in the wrinkles around her eyes, then finally laughter coming off her lips. Her hair’s wild today, in the way that is so like <em>her </em>that if someone asked, JJ would describe kiara as a <em>pretty girl with curly hair and a nose for trouble. </em></p>
<p>  He puts a hand on her shoulder, tugging at the strap of her top so it snaps onto the skin every other moment. ‘So, Kie. You a pogue?’</p>
<p>  Kiara swats his hand away. ‘Will I be a pogue even if I become a kook?’</p>
<p>  ‘ <em>Please </em>. We’ll always like you, kook or not. Besides, you’d be the only one to be a kook and a pogue at the same time and that’s kinda cool.’</p>
<p>  Her eyes lose some of the little concern he can see in the dark, and a reserved smile graces her lips. Something warm bursts inside his chest. </p>
<p>  ‘Thanks, JJ.’</p>
<p>  He looks at her, <em>really </em>looks at her, and feels like he’s seeing her for the first time. The street lights on the Cut are orange and shitty and it makes her look a little orange, too, but he’s never before noticed the depth of her complexion, or how it’s gotten darker since summer started. He’s never noticed the quirk in the right corner of her lips, a slight tug upwards that makes her look like Mona Lisa at times. </p>
<p>  He should look away, but his eyes are on her lips, and it feels like the warmth led to something brewing inside his chest. </p>
<p>   <em>bravery </em>, he thinks. </p>
<p>  JJ looks into Kiara’s eyes and they’re unguarded, soft, vulnerable, kind, all the things he loves about her, and JJ just...</p>
<p>  He kisses her. It’s sloppy, and he almost smashes his mouth against hers because there was no time to <em>think </em>, and he freezes. </p>
<p>  He fucking <em>freezes. </em></p>
<p>  Kiara pulls back, the same eyes wide and guarded. ‘What the fuck was <em>that </em>, JJ?’</p>
<p>  ‘Nothing,’ he quickly says. ‘Forget about it.’</p>
<p>  He knows he should look away, but he can’t, he just stares at her and she stares right back and they’re both just like <em>what the fuck is going on what the fuck do i do what the fuck what the f u c k</em></p>
<p>  ‘Pogues can’t mack on other Pogues,’ Kiara states, firmly. </p>
<p>  JJ says nothing. He swallows the gulp in his throat with difficulty, finally averting his gaze. his eyes don’t sting; his chest doesn’t ache; his body isn’t overflowing with chills. </p>
<p>  (All of those are lies.)</p>
<p>  ‘JJ, we’re friends,’ she says. </p>
<p>  He doesn’t look at her so he looks up at the stars instead, wanting to see a shooting star and wish that he could take this moment back, or that he could grow a pair and not freak out like he’s doing right now. </p>
<p>  A shooting star doesn’t come. </p>
<p>  ‘JJ,’ Kiara starts again. ‘You’re one of my best friends. We can’t – we can’t do this. What would happen with – with the Pogues, with capital <em>p </em>?’</p>
<p>  ‘You’re right,’ he tells her, shaking his head. ‘It was dumb. Sorry. I don’t know what’s gotten into me.’</p>
<p>  ‘I just...’ She sighs. When he finally stops avoiding her gaze, he’s surprised to see her looking into the distance. ‘We can’t mess up our friendship. It’s not just us – it’s John B and Pope, too.’</p>
<p>  ‘You’re right,’ repeats JJ. He places a hand over hers and gives it a light squeeze, until he’s got her attention. ‘No Pogue on Pogue macking.’</p>
<p>  ‘No Pogue on Pogue macking,’ echoes Kiara. </p>
<p>  The rule’s set in stone that night, after a kiss they quietly agree to never talk about. JJ doesn’t talk to the boys about it and he knows Kiara doesn’t, either. The little rule they came up with got rid of all the tension that could’ve ensued from the kiss. </p>
<p>  JJ knows she shot him down, but there <em>are </em>times when her words are a broken record in his mind, and he tries to figure out if there’s any chance that she didn’t. He doesn’t know. She was right, they couldn’t ruin their friendship, but JJ wonders if she meant it in the <em>if we kiss more we’ll ruin our friendship </em>way or <em>if we are together and then break up we’ll ruin our friendship </em>way. </p>
<p>  In any case, it ends up not mattering, because their friendship falls apart regardless. </p>
<p>  It happens slowly, over the course of early autumn, and begins the day school starts. The boys go to Kildare High, Kiara goes to Robert Cooke Academy. At first, things are <em>fine </em>– they spend more time together after school, at the Chateau or lounging on the <em>HMS Pogue </em>. But then school starts getting real, and more of their free time is taken away. </p>
<p>  Soon enough, Kiara starts coming over less and less. It’s because of homework, mostly, or extra classes the kook academy is asking her to take. She’ll apologise and show up next time with some cookies in tow, and the boys wouldn’t think twice of it. </p>
<p>  By the time October rolls around, they’re hardly seeing her anymore. She keeps being busy and so do they, but they make up for it by chilling in the few classes they have together, or during lunch hours. JJ slacks off most of the time, so he’s the one who gets to hang out with Kiara on the odd chance she’s got time when they don’t, but even that is not the same. </p>
<p>  ‘We miss you,’ he tells her the evening before Halloween. They managed to sneak some time together for the first time in over two weeks, but it doesn’t feel the same anymore. ‘The boat kinda sucks without you.’</p>
<p>  Kiara’s legs are swinging out of her bedroom window and she’s staring off into the distance. She says she misses them, too, but the tone in her voice is distant and quiet, and it makes JJ feel as if that’s not the truth at all. </p>
<p>   <em>i shouldn’t have kissed you </em>, he wants to say, but he doesn’t. They agreed they wouldn’t talk about it. He doesn’t want to make her dislike him any more than she already does. </p>
<p>  ‘How are the kooks?’ he asks. </p>
<p>  Kiara smiles, but it’s the ghost of a smile. ‘They’re good. Not half as bad as I thought. Sarah Cameron’s nice to me.’</p>
<p>  ‘They better be nice to you. We’ll kick their asses otherwise.’</p>
<p>  The look she gives him lets him know she doesn’t agree. </p>
<p>  JJ looks at her straightened hair, her little blouse that she usually wouldn’t be caught dead in, and at the flashy rings on her fingers. It’s seeing this that makes something click in his brain, and JJ just shakes his head. </p>
<p>  ‘I’m gonna go.’</p>
<p>  ‘Okay.’ She doesn’t stop him; doesn’t even pretend she wants to. ‘See you soon.’</p>
<p>  JJ drops from the window, landing with a thud. His ankles hurt a little bit, but he’s a big boy who knows how to fall and how to take a hit. <em>i don’t think so </em>, he muses. </p>
<p>  He looks at her and gives her a two-finger salute in goodbye. </p>
<p>  No classic Pogue handshake. Nothing. </p>
<p>  It’s the last time any of them talk to Kiara in real life. He wonders if the kiss has something to do with it, and he guesses it must, because things were <em>okay </em>before it. Kiara was the one who was the most upset about the idea of going to a different school, losing the three of them, becoming a kook – and now, JJ thinks that it was more her choice than anyone else’s.</p>
<p>  There’s a piece of plastic that must’ve fallen off a car on the side of the road, and JJ kicks it. It doesn’t hurt, so he keeps kicking it as he walks down the street. </p>
<p>  They all <em>tried </em>to keep her one of them. They all <em>wanted </em>her to stay. </p>
<p>  She was the one who didn’t.</p>
<p>  That night, JJ lets her go. </p>
<p>  With time, the Pogues recover from the loss, mostly because it wasn’t sudden – a blind man could’ve seen where it was leading. September wasn’t off to a good start, and October was when things came to a cliff and jumped off of it.</p>
<p>  Big John goes missing in February. Nobody has spoken to Kiara since the end of October, when the boys just decided to make their own groupchat, considering she hardly even checked the one with her in it anymore. This is where John B texts the two. </p>
<p>   <b><em>jombee [6:47pm]:</em> </b><b>guys i’m starting to get worried for my dad</b></p>
<p>   <b><em>popeye [6:48pm]:</em> </b><b>i’m sure he’ll be fine. the thing might be taking longer</b></p>
<p>   <b><em>jombee [6:53pm]:</em> </b><b>can you guys come over?</b><b><br/></b>   <b><em>jombee [6:53pm]:</em> </b><b>and bring some beer</b></p>
<p>   <b><em>me [6:54pm]:</em> </b><b>on it mister bee(n)</b></p>
<p>  JJ is the first to show up, carrying a six-pack in each hand. pope comes a bit later, having picked up some snacks on the way. At that point, Big John has been away for four days, when he usually doesn’t leave for more than three. </p>
<p>  ‘Do you know where he went?’ asks JJ, through a mouthful of chips. </p>
<p>  Pope darts a beer cap at him. ‘Be serious, JJ.’</p>
<p>  ‘I am!’ </p>
<p>  John B says he doesn’t know where his dad went; he doesn’t know when he should get back, either. The boys do a semi-decent job of keeping the atmosphere from falling into the dumps, but it’s not an easy task. Usually, Kiara’s the one who holds everything in place, who knows the right words to say. </p>
<p>  Inadvertently, JJ glances at the spot on the <em>HMS Pogue </em>where she used to sit. Even though she hasn’t been here for months, they never put anything there, even if the rest of the boat is packed. It’s a space that’ll always belong to her, regardless of what happens. </p>
<p>  Big John is declared missing three days later, when it’s been a week. If he was at the sea, they would’ve found him, or at least that’s what the authorities say. They have <em>some </em>hope, but the three Pogues are the ones who keep their necks out of the water, looking for the man. </p>
<p>  They cruise the marsh, the ocean, everything they can find, for weeks. At some point, Pope is the first one to lose hope, and he says it to JJ only. It’s March, nearly April. </p>
<p>  ‘People are starting to talk,’ he tells him, while they’re waiting for John B to come out of the Chateau, resting on the boat. JJ’s got his hand in Kiara’s spot, and he doesn’t look at the boy next to him. </p>
<p>  ‘People have been talking since the beginning,’ counters JJ. </p>
<p>  ‘No, man, I’m being serious. It’s been two months. The chances that—’</p>
<p>  ‘Stop, dude.’ JJ turns to Pope, knowing that disappointment and disbelief must be clear on his face because he doesn’t bother hiding them. ‘Are you giving up? You can’t do that to John B, man. That’s fucked up.’</p>
<p>  Pope shakes his head, leaning forward as he sits with his legs crossed. ‘I’m not giving up. I don’t even know what I was trying to say.’</p>
<p>  ‘Big John’s still alive and he’s looking for someone to save him. It’s gonna be us, because you can never trust the cops.’</p>
<p>  The boy nods. John B comes to the boat a minute later. He’s got his shirt buttoned the wrong way, with the uneven holes sticking out. his hair is getting long and messy, the top now merging with the sides. He lost his spunk, gradually as time wore on; he doesn’t smile as often – none of them do. Life hit them and it hit them fast, some more so than others. </p>
<p>John B walks over Kiara’s spot and sits at the wheel, turning on the engine. ‘Ward Cameron offered me a job. To take care of <em>My Druthers </em>.’</p>
<p>  Pope chokes on the beer he was drinking. ‘ <em>That </em>’s the boat’s name?’</p>
<p>  The brunet shakes his hand as he steers them out of the chateau and into the marsh, sighing. ‘It’s a dumb name, yeah.’</p>
<p>  ‘Did you accept?’ asks JJ. </p>
<p>  ‘I need the money.’</p>
<p>  JJ sips his beer, recalling Kiara saying she’s friends with Sarah now. He wonders if they’re still friends, still as close as they seem to be. If John B ends up going to the Camerons’, maybe he’ll get to see her in the passing. </p>
<p>  The thought leaves a bitter taste of envy on his tongue, and JJ downs it with beer. </p>
<p>  John B doesn’t end up seeing Kiara, but JJ does. It’s April, nearly three months into Big John missing, and he’s starting to understand Pope now. Hope is a difficult thing to keep when all it does is run away. </p>
<p>  He doesn’t text her, because she’s changed her number. He doesn’t want to message her on social media, either – that feels vain and <em>stupid </em>, and the reason why he needs to talk to her in the first place is anything but superficial. </p>
<p>  So JJ rings the doorbell, like a normal person would, instead of climbing the tree in front of her bedroom window. </p>
<p>  Kiara’s mom opens. surprise is evident on her face when she lets him in, but she doesn’t ask questions. </p>
<p>  ‘She’s in her room.’</p>
<p>  ‘Thanks, Mrs. C.’</p>
<p>  He walks up the familiar flight of stairs, toward the room he’s spent many evenings in, yet it feels as if he’s walking into an exam hall. His half-closed fist taps against the door two times, and he waits. </p>
<p>  ‘It’s open!’ comes from the inside. </p>
<p>  JJ’s got his hand on the doorknob, but it falls, slick with sweat. He hasn’t heard her voice in so long that he’s forgotten what she <em>sounds </em>like. </p>
<p>  It’s a blow after blow after blow, what’s been happening for the past few months. JJ needs something to bring him back some stability – something that in his opinion, is what only Kiara can give them. </p>
<p>  Here’s hoping the Pogues won’t hate him for doing this. </p>
<p>  He walks into the room and Kiara’s hunched over her desk, scribbling away into her notebook. her room looks the same but <em>wrong </em>, as if everything had been moved an inch to the right, or painted a different hue, or maybe JJ just hasn’t seen it in way too long. </p>
<p>  Kiara looks different, too. She’s thinner now, and when she turns around and her mouth makes an ‘o’ shape, he notices she’s got some lighter strands in her hair, too. </p>
<p>  ‘ <em>JJ </em>.’</p>
<p>  ‘Hi,’ he says.</p>
<p>  The JJ that is in Kiara’s room now feels like an entirely different person in comparison to the JJ that was in Kiara’s room in October. Hell, he’s never been further from the person on that bench next to the Wreck last summer. </p>
<p>  Life’s a fucking shipwreck now. </p>
<p>  So he sits down on Kiara’s windowsill, one leg to his chest and the other hanging out of the window. Kiara’s on her bed, at first, but she comes closer when JJ tells her about Big John. He tells her about John B giving up on his grades, on how he’s working for Ward Cameron to survive, how the boys are the only thing that’s keeping the Chateau alive now. </p>
<p>  He doesn’t spare her the gritty details and he doesn’t ask about her. He’s not here to find out what she’s been up to. </p>
<p>  When he finishes his story, she’s quiet. </p>
<p>  ‘Once a Pogue, always a Pogue, Kiara.’</p>
<p>  ‘JJ, I fucked up.’</p>
<p>  He shakes his head, and he means it. ‘We can put that behind us. Fuck that, Kiara.’</p>
<p>  ‘Is it that bad?’ she asks. </p>
<p>  ‘What do you mean?’</p>
<p>  Kiara hesitates, and it’s the first time JJ feels like he catches a glimpse of the kiara he fell in love with was friends with. She’s a little vulnerable, but she’s got the spunk, and she’s got enough to give to others. </p>
<p>  She sits down on the windowsill, close enough that their thighs touch. They’re both wearing jeans this time, and JJ wonders, for a fleeting moment, if he’d feel the same as he did all those months ago if they were skin on skin again. </p>
<p>  ‘You must be out of options if you came to me, JJ.’ She looks at him with grave sadness in her eyes, and something that JJ recognises from the mirror, and wouldn’t wish upon anybody. Her chuckle is dry. ‘You don’t have to lie to me, JJ. I know you. You’re loyal to a fault, and you expect people to be the same, and I fucked up. If you didn’t need me, you wouldn’t look at me twice.’</p>
<p>  JJ is quiet for some time, letting her words sink in. The breeze is cold and light outside, touching his face like a gentle, cold hand.  </p>
<p>  He missed Kiara’s window. </p>
<p>  ‘You’re right,’ he says, finally. ‘It’s bad. And I don’t – I don’t know if I would’ve come to you if I knew what to do.’</p>
<p>  ‘You wouldn’t,’ Kiara offers.</p>
<p>  JJ chuckles, and it’s as dry as hers was. ‘Yeah, I probably wouldn’t.’</p>
<p>  They don’t talk for a bit. JJ finds himself enjoying her presence – it’s like going to a place you have both good and bad memories of, and you haven’t visited for a while, and the memories become distant, merging into one another. </p>
<p>  He doesn’t know how he feels about her anymore. He knows he’s hurting, for more reasons than just one, and he knows that having her around will be better than not having her. </p>
<p>  ‘I can’t imagine what it must’ve took, to come here,’ she admits. ‘You’re not the one who should be asking me to come back. <em>I </em>should be begging you and the guys to let me come back.’</p>
<p>  There’s something in her tone that’s almost yearning; something so intrinsically aching that JJ manages to read between the lines. It’s not an apology, nor an admission of guilt, but it’s as close as they’ve gotten from her in a long, long time. </p>
<p>  ‘Why didn’t you?’ he finally asks. It’s a question he’s had on his mind for <em>months </em>, and saying it out loud to no one other than Kiara herself, is freeing and daunting at once. ‘Come back, I mean?’</p>
<p>  Her head bows and JJ thinks he sees a teardrop reflect the light on her cheek. ‘I thought you’d hate me.’</p>
<p>  ‘Kiara, you know the boys would’ve welcomed you back with open arms.’</p>
<p>  ‘Not them, JJ.’ She looks at him and her eyes are watery, and it feels like a blow to his stomach, even after all this time. ‘I thought <em>you </em>would hate me.’</p>
<p>   <em>i could never </em>, he thinks, because he still remembers how she tasted like fries. But then he remembers the ache in his chest, the nights spent staring at her number on his phone screen wanting to call, just to hear her voice again, just to have her tell him things are going to be okay. </p>
<p>  He didn’t want to be without her. He didn’t want a life without her in it. He <em>needed </em>her, same as he needed John B and pope, same as he needed the ocean, same as he needed to feel adrenaline rushing through his bones when things started going to shit. </p>
<p>  He needed her to be his anchor, and she wasn’t there. </p>
<p>  But JJ shakes his head, half at his thoughts, half at her words. ‘I could never hate you, Kie.’</p>
<p>  Whether it’s the earnestness of his voice, or the way it cracked when he said her nickname for the first time in months, JJ can’t tell – but she lays her hand on top of his and gives it a little squeeze. </p>
<p>  ‘Thank you.’</p>
<p>  He doesn’t forgive her right there and then, and neither do the boys, when he pulls up on his bike the next day with her on the back of it. There’s a lot of conversations, a lot of things that need to be said on both sides, but JJ keeps to himself. </p>
<p>  He sits on the bench at the porch and watches it all unfold. </p>
<p>  What he thinks about Kiara is something he can’t tell anybody. It’s intertwined with everything that’s happened in the recent months like vines on a branch, and he doesn’t want to undermine everything. </p>
<p>  JJ Maybank is angry and hurting and broken, and every time he looks at Kiara’s face he thinks of the time when she was all he needed to get through the day but she wasn’t there for him. Seeing her reopens the wound all over again, yet he pushes it to the side in favour of growth, in favour of giving her a second chance. </p>
<p>  Kiara was wrong, when she thought that his loyalty would be the downfall of their friendship – his loyalty to her is the only reason he came back for her. </p>
<p>  They all need her, John B most of all. </p>
<p>  It’s only when the Pogues are back to the original four, each of them lounging on their spot on the <em>HMS Pogue </em>, that JJ feels like the hole in his heart is starting to fill up. Kiara knows the right things to say when John B gets upset, or when Pope loses hope, or when JJ feels like he’s about to lose his shit. The Pogues aren’t the Pogues without her. </p>
<p>  Eventually, he knows he’ll forgive her. For now, he’s just happy she’s back.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>in case anyone's wondering - i'm trying to participate in the jiara july event as much as i can, so i have a fic coming out tomorrow and on friday for sure, and hopefully i'll manage to get some more done in the meantime.</p>
<p>thank you for reading, i hope you enjoyed it! you can come hang out with me on tumblr!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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